Chemo #3 - Darkness Before The Dawn

March 5, 2014

Journal Dump #018

So in my continued attempt to remain positive, which takes great effort these days, I will say that although I feel like this certainly is the darkest place I have ever been in - I know that I am closer to the dawn... so I continue to see each day through.

Yes, seems pretty deep... but the truth is, each day, I live moment to moment, just waiting for these moments to pass and all this to be over. It's a waiting game and the biggest struggle is keeping the positive attitude that everyone claims is the most important part of this process.

Family and friends text me regularly and ask how I'm doing. I've given up on trying to please others and tell them what they want to hear. I tell them simply - "I feel like crap." They want to help - they ask what is wrong. There's no simple answer. It's not that I have a headache and can just take the advise of a loved one: "take some asprin sweetie, you will feel better." Nope - doesn't work that way during chemo.

I have heard horror stories about the 3rd chemo. And again, each person going through their own treatment is different. I have my symptoms and complaints and they will certainly differ from others. But one thing I found to be the same - "Though they may be different, the symptoms do come - and there are many!"

After my 3rd A/C chemo appointment, here are my complaints. I really don't know what symptoms are due to the chemo and what symptoms are due to the anti-nausea drugs.

Here's the thing... If I had just one of these symptoms, it would make me very uncomfortable. Living with ALL these symptoms, every day... Becomes unbearable at times. And there is nothing that can be done about it... just wait.

Nauseous
Painful hard stomache ache
Heartburn from hell
Migrane
Itchy and very dry skin
Glasses hurt to sit on my face but I can't see without them
Eyes constantly run
Nose has been running for 3 weeks non-stop
Crawling out of my skin with anxiety
No energy
Out of breathe if i do anything
Hot/freezing/hot/freezing - from the inside
Skin hurts
Can not focus on any one task
Creative side of my brain is fast asleep
My mouth tastes like trash 24/7
I am constantly starving as if I haven't eaten in a month. As soon as I eat, I get that gut-rot stomach ache full of acid... and it blows up like a balloon.