Navigating Anxiety: A Raw Reflection 5 Days After my first Taxol Chemo Treatment

April 1, 2014

Journal Dump #022

Typically, I wait to post a written blog until a week or two after the fact - no matter what the event was. I prefer to collect my thoughts and consider my feelings and the feelings of others reading the blog, such as my family and friends. If I write something like "I am hungry," I certainly don't want my family or friends feeling obligated to then bring me food.

Today, I am writing exactly what I feel in this moment. Why? Because I don't know what else to do. I am so filled with anxiety. I can't just sit here. I can't stand to watch the television - everyone is pissing me off! I do NOT care about celebrity breakups, I do NOT care about what is trending on twitter, I do NOT care about the weather. I am angry. Just angry in general.

Being so anxiety ridden, about an hour ago, I decided to re-organize the shoe disaster in the front doorway. Well, that task took so much energy that I was in a full-on sweat, laying flat on the floor, breathing like a bear. And no, this is not an over-dramatic attempt to portray my morning. This is reality. Before going through treatment, I would read other breast cancer blogs and think to myself - they are being so dramatic, it won't really be like that. Even now, when I write my blog a couple weeks after the fact, my partner asks why I downplay how I feel. Well, for one, I don't want to sound so dramatic and two, I don't want to worry my family. The truth: Overall - this treatment is 'doable'. BUT - there are moments when it takes every ounce of everything in your mind, body & spirit - just to get to the next moment.

It really does take a lot of mental stability to handle the chemo treatment. I guess that is why all the doctors and nurses told me in the beginning that a positive attitude will be the best thing to get me through. I was concerned with eating properly to starve the cancer and maintaining a healthy diet, etc... but now I know (for me), it is more about just eating whatever you are able, no matter the health value. Get through this chemo, and then work on my healthy diet and exercise program.

As for the physical symptoms right at the moment... Well, today is 5 days after my first taxol chemo treatment. I have that same sinus headache that I got with AC chemo; my stomach is a big balloon of gas and it is very uncomfortable; my bones hurt in random places - it is a strange feeling. Mostly in my legs, but in my hands as well and when I walk, I feel like I might fall, although I don't. And, I have been taking OTC medicine for the heartburn which helps.